I just might delete this post in the morning

I walked into a new church today, well kind of a church. It was someone’s house, where they were holding church. Anyway, I walked in and froze, seriously, I just couldn’t move. I even started shaking badly. I’m not scared of people, I love people. So I’m sitting there trying to figure out why I’m so freaked out by all of this, and I’m looking around at all the families, they were totally comfortable with all of this.

So I started breaking it all down.

“I’m scared of Christians. Why? I feel like I’m nothing like the rest of them. Why is that? Oh, I know. I drink, I smoke, I never read my bible anymore, heck..I’m not even praying anymore. I’m slipping, big time.”

I was thinking all this when I probably should have been listening, but I finally admitted something to myself that I was in denial about for a while. It’s like I was waiting for someone to come along and say, “ok Jen, stop being stupid and get with it.” No one did that, and that’s because I didn’t tell anyone, not even God, and if I don’t tell anyone then there isn’t anyone there to help me out.

I’m always going off about how I don’t have Christian friends. I don’t have any because I never really wanted any, and I didn’t want any because I never wanted to tell any of them the things that I do. I was thinking that if I tell them how I really am then they won’t like me. My non-Christian friends are ok with what I do, so it’s all good.

It’s not really all good. Right now I want to say that I’m just going to quit going out and drinking, smoking, and start praying immediately, but that might just be a lie. In all honesty I don’t want to do those things I do, and I’m mad at myself for being all weak about it.

I’m exhausted, and I start work tomorrow. And if you tell my parents all this stuff I just wrote, you won’t be helping me, you’ll be hurting me, so please don’t.

And I love advice, I tear it up.